Heisenberg, Schrodinger, Ohm, Pascal (compiled from various sources)
Heisenberg, Schrodinger, Ohm, and Pascal were driving down the highway when a cop pulls them over. Heisenberg, in the driver’s seat, rolls down the window and says “How can I help you today, my good sir?” To which the cop responds, “Do you know how fast you were going back there??” “No, but I know where I was!” excitedly responds Heisenberg. “You were going 90 mph in a 45 mph zone!” “Ah shucks!” Heisenberg throws up his hands, “Now I’m lost!” The cop, getting confused and suspicious, goes and opens the trunk. Aghast, he calls out, “Do you know you’ve got a dead cat back here?!” To which Schrodinger replies, “Well NOW I do…” The cop, quite flustered at this point, moves in to arrest the four physicists, but Ohm resists! After finally managing to get them to the station, the cop is quite concerned and decides to interrogate the quad. Heisenberg, a pro, stays completely silent. Likewise, Schrodinger and Ohm don’t make a peep. But after enough questioning, Pascal cracks under pressure!
Anti-anti-anti(-anti??) Joke (written by me)
Heisenberg, Schrödinger, Ohm, and Pascal are driving in a car down the highway.
They’re having quite a good time with the radio blasting to “A Glorious Dawn” by Carl Sagan and a huge inter-galactic n-brane sneaking behind their car in its ever present stealthiness.
As soon as they hear police sirens, Heisenberg checks behind them in the rear view mirror and sees the n-brane collapse so quickly into a police car upon observation that he doubts his abilities as an observer and assumes police car was super-deterministically present since the dawn of time.
Like any good nazi-physicist, Heisenberg pulls over, rolls down the window and waits for the police officer to approach. The officer, dressed in a bright blue plastic police bowler cap saunters up to the open window and asks “Do you know how fast you were going back there?” Heisenberg, realizing in this moment that the Heisenberg uncertainty principle has many limitations, responds “Well sir, I think I know where I am but I’m not entirely sure because this might be a periodic strip of highway in which case my prior logic doesn’t apply too well…”
The police officer, having graduated top of his class in Cambridge, replies “ah my sworn nazi enemy, I never believed in your silly principle anyway! You were going something like 3e26 angstroms per kiloparsec.”
Taken aback at this chap’s stupidity, Heisenberg exclaims “Kiloparsec?!? That’s a unit of length you stupid Brit! No wonder hitler wanted eugenics! I’m driving away now sir! Good luck catching me after I make a branch cut to this multivalued function of a highway!!! Mwahahahaha!” And with that, Heisenberg leaves the police officer in the dust… only to forget that in the real world, pure mathematicians have no impact and e^i2pi is still equal to e^i4pi.
The car then crashes into the back of the police car on the loop of highway and the police officer appears to be both mad and pleased that the nazi made a fatal error. And so the smug Brit walks to the back of the car, opens the trunk expecting to find a dead cat. But suddenly a live, immortal jaguar leaps out and murders the cop.
This jaguar just so happened to be the only consciousness in the universe from which all other realities are projected. She had been playing that game of quantum Russian roulette for years but with the many worlds interpretation being right, each time she tried to shoot herself, the bullet was not in the correct position of the revolver and she lived on.
Enjoying her midmorning snack of plastic blue bowler cap, she went up to Schrodinger and licked his face. “Ah my dear sweet, kitty,” he cooed, “you seem to defy my well thought out statistics every time! It’s a wonder I haven’t rewritten my interpretation on quantum mechanics yet! Oh well… I’ll just be like a mathematician and pretend like thought experiments are more real than real experiments.”
Ohm and Pascal - soon realizing that the cop was now dead and thus left the not very famous physicists without a purpose in the joke - promptly vanished into the ether.
No one seemed to notice their disappearance much anyway, and yes, the ether is real. Michelson and Morley fudged their results but the physics community was so fed up with the lack of attention they received from the world that they decided to band together just for the hell of it and create a whole new fake physics. All the physics done since then has been faked.
And upon receiving their PhD’s, young physicists are let in on the truth that no real physics has been done since 1887, yet they have spent so much of their life studying to receive a PhD that they have no choice but to be sworn to secrecy.
Anyway, Heisenberg and Scrodinger, being fakers themselves, drive off into the sunset on the seemingly infinite loop of highway with periodic boundary conditions. They live happily ever after until the Jaguar eats them and then hacks the simulation we call reality. The many worlds collapse and existence ceases.
Cheerio Joke (told by my cousin Samuel during passover one year ~2008)
One day there was a little plain cheerio eating breakfast (which, by the way, was not cheerios) in his little cheerio world. He was also reading the newspaper and happened to come accross an ad to become a frosted cheerio. “Frosted cheerio!” he thought, “wow! Frosted cheerios are much better than plain cheerios!.” So he followed the instructions, flew to a little island with a cheerio factory, got turned into a frosted cheerio, and flew back home.
About two weeks later, he was sitting at home eating breakfast (which, by the way, was not cheerios) in his little cheerio world. He was also reading the newspaper and happened to come accross and ad to become a chocolate cheerio. “Chocolate cheerio!” he thought, “wow! Chocolate cheerios are much better than frosted cheerios!” So he followed the instructions, flew to the little island with the cheerio factory, got turned into a chocolate cheerio, and flew back home.
About two weeks later, he was sitting at home eating breakfast (which, by the way, was not cheerios) in his little cheerio world. He was also reading the newspaper and happened to come accross and ad to become a honey nut cheerio. “Honey nut cheerios!” he thought, “wow! Honey nut cheerios are much better than chocolate cheerios!” So he follwoed the instructions, flew to the little island with the cheerio factory, got turned into a honey nut cheerio, and decided, “hmmm I like this island! Might as well stay.”
On the island, there was a milk bowl. “Wow,” he said, “if I could get into a milk bowl then my life would be made!” So he stood in line for the milk bowl. The line was quite long and he was starting to get tired. After what seemed like ages, he decided to go stand in the water line. BUT it seemed like everyone else had the same idea because the water line was TWICE AS LONG. So he decided to go to the orange juice line (nevermind that orange juice is gross to put in a bowl of cheerios) but everyone else had the same idea and the orange juice line was THREE TIMES AS LONG!
So he finally decided to go stand in the punch line.
But there was no punch line.
Short jokes that I have heard and forgotten the sources
Two muffins are in an oven. One turns to the other and says, “It’s hot in here.” The other says, “ AH! A talking muffin!”
One atom says to another, “I think I lost an electron.” The other one says, “You sure?” And the first responds,”Yeah! I’m positive!”
Two hats are on a hat rack. One says to the other, “You stay here, I’ll go on ahead!”
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, “dam!”
A terrible joke by GPT-3
Why was the leashed dog sitting down? Because it was tied to a pole.
A slightly better joke by GPT-3
Why was the math textbook sad? It had a lot of problems.
Joke made up by Mary Letey and Katherine Slattery
What do you call a singularity from Eastern Europe? A pole.
Joke made up by Katherine Slattery
Why do wave functions make bad presidents? Because their states always collapse.